The World of Nathan Bigalow

Here are the thoughts from the worrying and absurd mind  of the eccentric, Nathan Bigalow, and his wild and unsubstantiated interpretations of the world about him.

I’m having real problems downloading the latest version of my Photo manipulation programme today: every time I click the download button a little box flashes up saying: Warning: An illegal programme is trying to access your computer. If you allow this to download the Russians will once again take up communism, invade the world, everyone will be locked up in Siberian salt mines and no one will be allowed to wear socks on Thursdays’... Do you wish to continue?

Understandably, I’m still thinking about it.

Zen Quote for today from Rumi: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I'll meet you there.” Sadly the person that asked him was only seeking directions to Chipping Norton Train station and as a result, he missed his connecting flight. Rumi, on the other hand, kept his rendezvous and sat in the middle of the field until, in a freak and wholly ironic accident with a combine harvester named Karma, he was instantly turned into a bale of hay.

All that was left of this great Zen mind was his shredded turban and two tickets to Hooters nightclub.

Previously Unpublished Thoughts on Psychic Phenomenon:

To fully understand any subject, I believe you have to start at the beginning; at the grass roots of the subject, as it where. In short you have to ask yourself the most basically fundamental questions, only then can you hope to get at the bigger issues that surround it. My first question, therefore, is this: Do ghosts really exist in my home, and if they do, will I have to declare them on my tax returns?

I was talking to Sheldon the other day on this very subject and he says that if you hear a bump in the night it means you have accident prone ghosts and you should probably unplug the toaster and hide all sharp objects.

I read an article on the internet today about how modern day parapsychologist no longer believe that ghosts are wispy, ethereal, amorphous shapes that float around our homes, rattling their ghostly chains and moaning incessantly. They now believe that they have evolved into highly sentient beings that can communicate on many levels and float ectoplasmically around in bright iridescent orbs.

Tell that to the ghost that lives in my wallpaper and comes out at 2:30am singing the songs from ‘Show Boat’ and ‘Paint your Wagon’.

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I was looking out of my bedroom window this morning and the garden gnomes next door were moving around again. They don’t even try to hide the fact any more; one of them was doing a little light weeding while another was washing his smalls in the ornamental fish pond and waving to me.

I told ‘N’ of my theory that garden gnomes are really sentinels sent down from a vastly superior race of super beings to keep an eye on us and analyze our thoughts, actions and buying habits on Amazon. She didn’t disagree with me, like she did on my theory about all cats being reincarnated BMW drivers, but she did make another appointment for me with Dr Psychobabble, my psychiatrist.

All this ties in perfectly with my stars for this week: it said that I would have garden gnome problems and I would meet a tall dark stranger. Dr Psychobabble is a six foot seven inch member of the psychiatric society who bounces at Hooters nightclub on the weekends.

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I had that really unsettling dream again last night: the one about the group of Banjo playing bananas who parade through my house wearing sombreros while eating nacho and porridge wraps.

I woke up in the usual cold sweat and was too frightened to step out of my bed, just in case I slipped on something or tripped over a discarded banjo string.

First thing this morning I went to my local Occultist shop---the one next door to Herriman’s Fish and Cracker Emporium---and brought a book on Dreamology.

So far the best interpretation of my dream is that an uncle from Leeds--- who I didn’t know I had---would suddenly appear from the rotating doors of a plush hotel and all of his toes would drop off.

I’m not sure if it’s true, but I’m looking very deeply into Ancestry.co.uk.

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Newly placed extract in the Encyclopaedia Eccentricca:

Jesus Christ (no middle names that we are aware of, but do believe that Alphonse was a real contender at one point). Born AD00; Birth sign: Capricorn. Lived a troubled life and avoided an early death from Pontius Pilot by putting on a fake curly ginger wig and pretending to be a show girl from Aramathea: early years were spent learning the trade of carpentry; was said to excel at love spoons and wooden balustrades. He had 12 really good friends, although one turned out to be a bit of a stinker.

He had a talent for healing the sick and was adored by millions; mainly because he didn’t keep strict surgery hours and was willing to travel. His outspoken manner eventually got him into trouble and he was crucified. Although he did offer to make his own cross, his work in this field was deemed not as good as on his love spoons and balustrades, so his offer was kindly declined.

Father Joseph was a carpenter and his Mother, Mary, was a good time girl for local deities.

He left a legacy for a new world religion that would come to dominate virtually all of the known world and a complete collection of love spoons and erotic balustrade designs.

Jesus was probably most famous for inventing Christmas and Easter.

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